"Twin's Day"

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Maybe you've seen people share about it on social media...I've avoided it for the most part but today I wanted to share our family's story...

After Allie and Michael were born I was pretty sure our family was complete...I had a really difficult time adjusting to life with two kids and felt that a family of four was what we were meant to be...in 2012 though we decided to add to our family and found out we were pregnant again. Chris and I were so excited!

At 8 weeks we headed in to our first OB appointment and an ultrasound told us we were expecting twins!! Shock and excitement rushed through us with this news as the ultrasound tech went to get the doctor. The doctor came in to the room and the ultrasound continued...Chris and I could tell something was not right. We were told our babies were Monoamniotic-Monochorionic twins (or Mo-Mo twins) It means that they share the same amniotic sac and placenta. It is a very high risk pregnancy. Another major concern was that our babies were positioned so closely they could not tell if they were conjoined. Since I was so early in my pregnancy it was difficult to tell...they wanted us to come back in a week for another ultrasound so that we could have a more accurate picture of what we were looking at. Our doctor told us that I would be admitted to the antepartum unit at the hospital at 28 weeks for monitoring and that the babies would be delivered no later than 34 weeks. It was A LOT to take in...

We left that appointment feeling sick to our stomachs and the following days were a bit of a blur. We prayed for our babies, we prayed for a miracle, we prayed for peace. We were both a wreck.

At our next appointment our amazing doctor quietly knelt down beside the table after the ultrasound tech began the scans and told us that our babies no longer had heartbeats. We were devastated.
We will never know the genders of those babies we lost, but our doctor did tell us that over 90% of "MoMo" twins are girls...so that is how I have always thought of them...our two precious girls who are sitting on the lap of Jesus in heaven.

After we lost our babies I thought that maybe our family was in fact meant to be a family of four, and that this was God's way of telling me to just appreciate the babies we already had. But the longing for more children never went away and so we tried again. And we had our Mary...and 19 months later Emily.

Mary and Emily look A LOT alike...we often call Emily "Mary" by mistake and have since the day she was born. These two girls are such a blessing to our family and such a gift in so many ways...it almost feels to me like we got our girls back in some way...I think of the babies we lost every day...even though it was still so early in the pregnancy, they were a part of our family..a part of our story. They were loved from the moment we knew of their existence.

I don't share the story of our miscarriage with many people...I don't talk about it often at all, but something happened this morning that made me want to share...something Mary and Emily did all on their own. They share a bedroom and recently have been getting dressed as soon as they wake up (selecting their own outfits). This morning they came running out of their bedroom so excited...they were dressed identical. And they told me it was "Twin's Day". It took all my strength not to burst into tears. These sweet girls.

I wanted to share our story today because I know we are not alone. Sadly so many of our family and friends have experienced miscarriage and still birth. ALL of these babies are so loved, and always remembered.

One year.

So..hi! I've been meaning to write this post since we came back from our summer vacation in Michigan...oops! No real excuse as to why it's taken me so long...I plan to write it and then the day gets away from me...so I tell myself I'll write it tomorrow...well, today is finally that "tomorrow". Please bear with me in this post, it's bringing up a lot of emotions so if it jumps around a bit please forgive me!

It's now been one year (and one month!) since our big move...at times I can hardly recall those first few stressful weeks and months of getting settled...but they were just that...they were stressful. We had no idea where anything was or how to do anything for ourselves either...the way we were used to doing things in the US are done very differently here because (DUH!) this is a different country!! None of us spoke German and doing simple things like setting up cable, having lights installed in our home and getting me a cell phone were a huge challenge and we had to ask for help for everything. And have a lot of patience. And a sense of humor. 

Coming back after 5 weeks in Michigan was hard...it was really, really hard. The kids were so sad...Allie cried the whole way to the airport and Michael didn't talk or crack a smile until we got through security. Mary wanted to stay in Michigan with my parents. Thankfully Emily is still pretty blissfully unaware of any and all major life changes because my heart was breaking for all of them. And hello, I was pretty sad myself!! We all wanted to stay and I think Chris was even a little nervous that I wouldn't get on the flight (he had flown back a few weeks earlier) Being "home" felt so comfortable...being around family and friends was truly the best. 

So, now we're back in Germany. 

You're probably thinking to yourself right now how much I hate it here, right? 

Well, I don't. 

Do I love it? Sometimes...it's an amazing place for our kids to grow up. They have freedom here that they wouldn't have in Michigan. And that is worth its weight in gold. 

Confused? Yeah, me too...As much as I loved being home and at times cannot wait for our return in 2 years I am so appreciative of this time we get to spend abroad together. I am often questioning our decision to move here...to push ourselves and our kids and our family. Is it worth it? Is it a good idea?  We all just want to do what is best for our children...that is universal. A friend from high school just started this journey abroad with her family moving from the US to Germany. Her kids are around the same age as ours and I've loved and appreciated what she has shared about this experience...she wrote something about her daughters first day of school that has stayed with me...they have decided to send their kids to a local German school as well and she wrote,"I know I'm doing the right thing. Pushing my child just enough. Having her outside her comfort zone...just long enough to make her a little stronger and smarter". Thank you for that, Katrina...your words went straight to this mama's soul. 

I noticed a lot of characteristics in myself this summer when we were home that I really don't like...a lot I need to personally continue to work on. We live a very simple life here, and it is a good, good life. While it annoys the heck outta me sometimes that we have nowhere decent to shop for clothes, no Starbucks, nothing is open on a Sunday and I wish I could just run to Target...these are all such silly stupid things! I mean seriously, I'm embarrassed to admit them!

I hate being away from our families...that has been the hardest part of this past year...I love living close to our families. I carry a lot of guilt being here and not living close to family. I want them to be a part of our everyday lives and I love being around to help. It's not like anyone's world is crumbling because we're not around, so it's totally selfish on my part...but we miss everyone so much! 

It actually amazed me at how quickly we all jumped right back into our routine once we got back...the kids happily were playing outside with our neighbors and everyone felt settled and happy to be back in the own beds. It struck me how this place has become our home. And the overwhelming feeling of "home" that I felt being here.

We have made this place our home...and while I still don't speak much German and need help with a lot of things I'm so thankful for the amazing friends we have met here who are always willing to offer that help. Last night that "help" I needed came with a cocktail and great conversation with a sweet friend over some school paperwork I didn't understand. 

I've always been the "I'm fine" girl...the one who can do it herself and doesn't need any help and this experience has humbled me and brought me to my knees at times because oh my goodness do I need help with a lot!! And I consider that a positive. 

I'm looking forward to this year #2 in Germany....I hope we can travel and explore a bit more as a family and that my German can catch up to Allie and Michael's! haha!! I'm thankful to be here, I truly am...and because I know how temporary this experience is, I want to appreciate all it has to offer.